Ulquiorra's Emo Lessons
by Konichiwa Kitty
Summary: So, Ulquiorra's giving out free emo lessons now. And the first thing he does is...
1. Chapter 1

Ulquiorra's Emo Lessons- Yammi's Anger

Ulquiorra has finally decided to embrace his emo side, and has even begun giving emo classes to the other Espadas. At their first class, he gives them a questionnaire and let's them fill it out. At the end, he puts up sheets stating the Espada's name, their emo rating, and what they needed to improve on. Strangely, Yammi's sheet is missing...  
STOMP. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP.  
"Ulquiorra! What happened to my rating?" Yammi was outraged at having been left out.  
Ulquiorra started walking away, but Yammi grabbed his head. All he succeeded to do was to poke his hand on Ulquiorra's helmet spike.  
"Yo, Ulquiorra! I'm talking to you here! Where's my rating?"  
Ulquiorra kept on walking, but replied, "Your entire living is made of anger. You'll never be an awesome emo like me."  
Steam started pouring out of Yammi's ears. "Why, you little !"  
To which Ulquiorra calmly replied, "Shut up, Yammi. I'm trying to enjoy my moment of emo awesomeness."

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Hi! Erm...first fic posted EVER on here...hehe...  
And I'm sorry emo people. But it's just so fun to make fun of Ulqui-kun xD


	2. Chapter 2

Ulquiorra's Emo Classes 2: Trademarked Clones?

Ulquiorra's attempt to make Grimmjow more emo had been a huge success. He'd tied Grimmjow to a wooden post at the front of the room, where all could revel in his awesome emo-ness and be jealous. As the Espada shuffled into the room, Grimmjow's cheeks burned wih humiliation and frustration. Ulquiorra began the class. "Is everyone here? Good. As you all know, you got your emo ratings last time. All except for that one, over there." Ulquiorra pointed to Yammi, who was sitting in a corner being governed by his emotions. "Since Grimmjow here had the lowest rating, I have used him as an example to show you how simple it is to convert your appearance to emo."  
Szayel raised his hand, hurriedly jotting notes down on a writing pad. "Mr. Cifer, could you please talk slower? My hand is cramped from writing so fast..." He withered under Ulquiorra's intense glare. "Now as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Ulquiorra gave Szayel the evil eye. "This here is a perfect example of how it is possible to make even the worst kind of person look emo. Except for that giant, over there," and he pointed at Yammi, who was still sitting there being governed by his emotions. "Today's class will be on how to convert your personality to the emo side."  
Aaroniero snarkily raised his hand. "excuse me, mr. cifer. DO YOU HAVE A TEACHING PERMIT OF SOME SORT? frankly, i don't trust you much, and these classes are just making me dislike you even more. AGREED."  
Aaroniero's rebellion was cut down by Ulquiorra's stink eye. After that, the class continued on without any interruptions. He used Grimmjow to demonstrate his point quite often, poking and prodding him with his sheathed zanpakutou. Finally, the poor cat couldn't take it anymore, and exploded. Literally. As Grimmjow's innards spattered all over the classroom, Szayel snickered evilly. Ulquiorra sighed. "There goes our test subject..."  
He then ended the class as there was no point continuing without the example. Ulquiorra asked Szayel to send one of his Fraccion to clean up, then walked out. As he strode through he winding hallways of Las Noches, he contemplated his loss. Suddenly a dark figure stepped out of the shadows and grabbed Ulquiorra's arm. He stared in almost-shock at the figure. It was Grimmjow! Still with some traces of black dye in his hair, still with some Expo marker markings on his face, but undeniably the same kitty that had exploded in Ulquiorra's classroom not so long ago. "Miss me?" he said with a psychotic grin. "You! But you're dead! You exploded all over my beloved classroom."  
"Think again! Szayel and that pretty little Fraccion of his, they switched me with one of their trademark Clones when you weren't looking!" Grimmjow laughed happily. "And now I can finally get revenge for you ruining my awesome hair and face!"  
And so an epic battle ensued between the two Espada, in which neither won because they both passed out from the extent of their injuries in the end.

* * *

Haha, another one. And for the "attempt to make Grimmjow more emo..." That can be explained...by another story...I have yet to put up...


	3. Chapter 3

Ulquiorra's Emo Lessons 3: Never Underestimate a Non-Emo It was Ulquiorra's third emo class. Grimmjow had suddenly reappeared, though slightly more beat up than before, and they were all flocked around him, having seen him explode all over the classroom next time. Ulquiorra forcefully hit a gong, and the room fell silent. "Now class, this is not how acceptable emos act! This is a class, not a social gathering of Esapdas. I'm disappointed in you." The Espadas shuffled to their seats shamefully, but Aaroniero cheekily made a remark. "IF EMOS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY EMOTIONS, THEN HOW ARE YOU A TRUE EMO IF YOU FEEL DISAPPOINTMENT? i really think this disqualifies you as an emo and a teacher!" Ulquiorra was thrown off by this. He hemmed and hawed, but finally came up with an answer. "I was merely using that term because it was appropriate for the situation. Just because I said it doesn't mean I actually feel it. When people say they are walking on pins and needles, usually they are not doing so, am I correct?" Aaroniero having been subdued, he set about giving punishment to Szayel, who had aided Grimmjow in escaping the class. He was to wear a sandwich board until he next class advertising "Ulquiorra's Emo Classes: Free every Sunday and Thursday from 10:00AM-10:45AM! All Arrancars invited to attend! Espadas' attendance is mandatory." Szayel's face burned with shame, and Ulquiorra tutted. He made Szayel sit in the corner with Yammi, who was sitting in a corner being governed by his emotions again. The class that followed was an avid description of an emo's brain compared to a normal Arrancar's, and then Ulquiorra handed out homework for the Espadas, a worksheet on the components of an emo's brain. Meanwhile, Szayel struggled to repair his wounded pride while Yammi's anger and frustration grew at not understanding what Ulquiorra was saying. Finally he could stand it no longer, and stormed up to the front desk. "ULQUIORRA! Stop talking and explain this to me in a simpler way! I don't get any of the fancy words you're using!"  
Ulquiorra calmly glared at Yammi. "I appreciate your wanting to learn, but if you have any questions, please wait until AFTER class to ask them." Yammi quailed from his unrelenting stare, and meekly went back to his seat to secretly sob in silence while Szayel awkwardly patted his back. Ulquiorra continued his class until the end, and as the Espada shuffled out the door, he walked over to where Yammi was sitting, his brow furrowed in concentration. "You had a few questions, Yammi? Something about not underst " Ulquiorra's words were cut short when Yammi grabbed his body and began to choke him. "I don't understand any of this BS! What in Aizen's Left Eye are you trying to brainwash the other Espadas with? TELL MEEEEEEEEEE!" However, Ulquiorra couldn't reply because of the force with which Yammi was crushing him. He heard several bones snap, and passed out from lack of oxygen (or whatever they breathe over in Hueco Mundo). He soon woke up later in an infirmary. Looking around, he saw the logo of Szayel's Lab printed everywhere. He tried to get up, but his body screamed in pain and he fell back onto the bed in exhaustion. Just then Tsumei waltzed in, holding a clipboard in one hand and a box of medicines in the other. "Now now emo-bat-chan, you shouldn't get up so fast! That big dude, What's-His-Name Riyalgo, hurt you pretty bad! Both arms broken, fractured collarbone, several crushed and broken ribs, and a twisted hip. You're in no condition to be walking around preaching the 5 Commandments of Emo-ness!" She set the box and clipboard down, opened the box and pulled out a needle. She stuck it into his arm, and it began to fast-heal. Ulquiorra stared at it in almost-wonder. "However, Szayel-sama says he can heal all your fractures like this. There's just a few conditions though...!"  
Ulquiorra moved his arm, which was almost back to normal. "Anything! I'll do anything if he'll just heal my body!" he pleaded in a tone much like desperation. Tsumei grinned wickedly. "Well, first he requires removal of the sandwich board advertising your stupid classes. He also would like a blood sample from you, about 2 pints, which'll leave you pretty woozy. Lastly, he wants you to take over feeding costs for all of his Fraccion, including me." She smiled smugly as Ulquiorra rapidly nodded his head, and immediately gave him the shots he needed all except for his hip, which she said later, had to heal "naturally." After this little incident, Ulquiorra knew never to underestimate a non-emo ever again. And his room became quite bare, as he pawned off his accessories to afford paying for Szayel's Fraccions' food bills.

* * *

Before you go around wondering who the heck this "Tsumei" character is...she is my OC. Teehee. Drawing of her can be found somewhere around deviantART (pickleduck3)...  
And as for Aaroniero, if I spelled his name wrong, sorry. And the CAPSLOCK is his deepdeepdeep voice, while the non-capitalized-at-all is his super-highhighhigh voice. That's all, I guess...


	4. Chapter 4

Ulquiorra's Emo Lessons 4: Substituting It was the day of an emo class. However, something was wrong. Very wrong. As the class filed through the door and settled into their usual seats, they noticed something strange. Instead of Ulquiorra's figure at the front of the room, there was another person there: Grimmjow! The Espada and Arrancar looked at him in confusion. Why was Grimmjow teaching? Where was Ulquiorra?  
Suddenly, Grimmjow abruptly stood up from his chair and tapped a little bell for everyone's attention. The room immediately grew quiet as everyone looked at him expectantly. "Good morning, everyone. As you can see, Ulquiorra isn't here today, so I'm supposed to fill in for him." He paused, annoyed, as Starrk raised his hand. Sighing, Grimmjow called on him. "Yes, Starrk? What would you like to say?"  
"Excuse me for asking, but where exactly IS Ulquiorra?" Starrk asked, standing up. Running his hand through his hair, already frustrated, Grimmjow answered. "Sorry, but I can't say where he is. Need-to-know basis or something." Starrk nodded, and sat back down. The class looked impatient, so Grimmjow started. "Erm..." Looking through a packet of papers, he shuffled them around until he found something. "Okay. Let's see...Ulquiorra first would like us to attempt to eat icecream without showing any emotion at all. I'm supposed to grade you from 1-10 based on how you react to the icecream..." He trailed off, looking conflicted. The class sat silent for a moment, then suddenly erupted into chaos. "Ice cream! I love ice cream!"  
"What flavor are you gonna get, Nnoitra?"  
"I personally prefer mint chocolate chip!"  
"Quiet, quiet!" Grimmjow shouted, standing on top of the desk. After a while, the room grew quiet as they noticed him frantically waving his arms around. "Since you were so noisy, I think I'll leave the ice cream till last!" The class groaned. "Quiet!" Grimmjow shuffled through the papers some more. "Okay...since we're puttin the ice cream off, the next thing is..." He frowned, then looked up. "You're all supposed to do pages 1 through 8 in this packet on how to be a good emo. No talking, no discussing." He picked up a huge pile of packets from behind the desk, and slowly went around passing them out. Everyone sighed as they flipped open to page 1 and began working through it. Meanwhile, Grimmjow sat back st the desk and opened his novel, The Hunting of Souls (written by none other than the great Aizen Sousuke of Las Noches). Everything seemed fine, passing by rather tolerably. Every so often he could hear Yammi thumping his desk in frustration, or Mila Rose getting up to sharpen her pencil. It was rather peaceful, for once. Caught up in his novel, Grimmjow almost lost track of time. He was saved by a loud bout of coughing from Szayel (he'd choked on his specially developed Emo Toffees made just for a time like this), which made him look up. "Holy Pink Hollows! Well, we're out of time. Time to hand in your packets."  
"But Grimmjow-sensei! Won't we get our ice cream?" asked Lilynette, worried. "Sorry, but there's no time for ice cream today," replied Grimmjow. "Maybe next time."  
"I don't wanna wait till next time!" Lilynette stomped her foot.  
"You'll just have to!"  
"I'll tell Ulquiorra-sensei!"  
"He probably won't even care!" By now, Grimmjow was thoroughly frustrated with Lilynette and ready to chop her into little sardine-like bits. Just then, he heard a loud WHEEEEEEE! and something exploded. "What the hell was that?" he shouted. Looking over, he saw that someone had set off a firework. Right as he looked, Szayel, the culprit, set off another one, sending smoke into Grimmjow's eyes. "OW! Watch it, baka!"  
None of the Espada payed a bit of attention to Grimmjow, who just stood there looking helpless as the class spun out of control. Finally, disgusted at their behavior, he walked out to leave them to their own devices, not forgetting to write a note to Ulquiorra about the failure. Lesson learned: Never let Grimmjow substitute for you in an emo class. It will fail.

A/N: This is probably the last one for a while. I haven't been able to think of any new ideas yet.


	5. Chapter 5

Ulquiorra's Emo Lessons 5: Protection

The Espada were sitting depressedly in the classroom when Ulquiorra flounced in, carrying a huge box of...something. He dropped the box on the ground, clapping his hands together. "Alright, class! Today, we're going to learn the importance of protection!" He reached into the box and pulled out a smaller box of pills. "Who can tell me what these are?"  
Szayel raised his hand. "They're birth control pills, but aren't we supposed to be learning about how to be emo, not how to protect ourselves during _?..."  
At this, Ulquiorra pouted. "We're learning about what I wanna learn about, Szay-Szay! No arguing!"  
Grimmjow leaned over to whisper in Nnoitra's ear. "Who gave HIM the extra cup of coffe this morning?"  
Nnoitra shrugged; Szayel frowned worriedly and turned to speak to the fifth and sixth. "I don't think it's coffee; in fact, I believe that these are the effects of the new popular candy created by my Fraccion Tsumei, POPP." "What are those?" Nnoitra asked in confusion. "They stand for Polar Opposite Personality Peppermints. You may remember them from "  
"From that time when Ulquiorra kicked you in the nuts and you threw Santa Teresa over the balcony, remember?" Grimmjow chuckled. "That was funny..."  
A dark shadow fell over the three Espada. Nnoitra, not noticing it, seethed in anger. "F-k you!" he shouted at Grimmjow. "If your gonna do that, Nnoi-spoon-kun, don't forget to use pro-teck-shun!" Ulquiorra's Voice startled Nnoitra, making him jump out of his chair and hit his head on the ceiling, causing plaster and wood chunks to rain down onto Ulquiorra's head, who completely ignored it, instead pulling out a whole bunch of stuff. "You have to remember to wear one of these! You might need more than one, to compensate," Ulquiorra pulled out a box of extra-extra-large condoms; "Grimmjow, you have to take these!" he said, pulling out a whole bunch of birth control pills. "Remember not to [CENSORED CENSORED], and to always [CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED], and never, EVER! to do [CENSORED CENSORED]!" (It's not that I actually censored what I wanted to write, I just couldn't think of anything bad enough to put there that...yeah.)  
Grimmjow just stared up at Ulquiorra in complete shock. His shock was so complete, in fact, that his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back into some kind of coma, twitching and hissing occasionally. Meanwhile, the situation was so bad that Nnoitra considered Sonidoing to the world of the living and selling himself out to a food company: Spoon for hire! For those REALLY BIG food jobs for REALLY BIG PEOPLE! (I mean, REALLY BIG PEOPLE. If Nnoi-kun is around 7 feet tall (I think), then how big does the human that uses him have to be?...) Or maybe just giving himself up to be used as a spoon for Komamura's Bankai thing. Ulquiorra, oblivious to all this, was still shoving all those random things (actually, I have no idea what else you use for protection *sweatdrop*) at the two poor Espada, when Halibel suddenly raised her hand. "Err, Ulquiorra-sensei (only because right now, he's supposedly being their teacher), Grimmjow's a guy...he can't get pregnant..." She stared calmly at the MegaFreakingOut Fourth Espada. Ulquiorra stared at her in shock. "But...but there's still such thing as M-preg!" Cue a slight blush from Halibel, who replied:  
"But that only happens in fanfictions, Ulquiorra-sensei."  
Ulquiorra was even more shocked. "But Halibel! We ARE in a fanfiction!" (cue sweatdrop from me) At this, everyone looked around in shock. Sure enough, everything around them was made out of WORDS, if they looked closely enough. Szayel was the only one not surprised. "It's no use trying to escape, the only way you'll be let out of this story is if the author wants you to be," he said. ("Grimmjow suddenly vanished from where he was lying in his coma with a poof.") "Just like Grimmjow there," he added, when Grimmjow suddenly vanished from where he was lying in his coma with a poof. Sparkles flew everywhere. Zommari began panicking (for once). "How? How is this author's control so absolu Gack!" ("Suddenly Zommari began dancing the chicken dance, knocking over a few chairs and a desk." He is allowed to say anything he wishes to, as long as the swear words get censored.) Suddenly Zommari began dancing the chicken dance, knocking over a few chairs and a desk. "What? How? I do not WANT to do this ridiculous dance! Help!"  
Back in my Writing Laboratory, I sat back, wondering who I should embarrass next. ("Ulquiorra, stunned by the sight of Zommari chicken dancing, was shocked out of his POPP-induced craziness, completely forgetting all that had happened while he was under its influence.") Nobody bothered to help Zommari, none of them wanting to induce the author's wrath. Ulquiorra, stunned by the sight of Zommari chicken dancing, was shocked out of his POPP-induced craziness, completely forgetting all that had happened while he was under its influence. He looked around confusedly. "...Why am I holding this box of condoms?" he asked to no one in particular. ("All of a sudden, all the Espada forgot they were in a fanfiction and immediately fell asleep except for Ulquiorra...") All of a sudden, all the Espada forgot they were in a fanfiction and immediately fell asleep except for Ulquiorra. He looked around, still confused, but not showing it (good job, Ulqui-bat-chan! You're such a good emo...I guess...) (he doesn't remember being in a fanfiction in the first place, because he doesn't remember anything from while being affected by POPP), wondering why everyone suddenly had become Starrks (haha, see what I did there?...nevermind). Sighing, he looked at the time and walked out rather unhappily (only shown on the inside, of course). Another emo lesson wasted. What a shame...


End file.
